After only a week I have developed the overweening obsession that plagues many bloggers, even those with more experience and skill than me. We have one fixation that that disturbs our sleep in the darkest hours of the night. Let others worry about war and peace, global warming, social justice, Eunice Shriver’s health, we can only ask, “How do I drive more traffic to my blog?”
This frantic concern is a matter of both ego and economics. Posting a blog to the internet is not exactly locking one’s diary. And most bloggers hew to Dr. Johnson’s dictum, “"No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money." We are, regrettably, not allowed to say how we might get money from our blogs, but it is possible.
How to drive traffic? I have considered prose of the kittens in daisies and sunlight variety. I have considered making videos of kids doing the darndest things, but kids evidently can’t sign consent forms and I would rather eat dirt for the rest of my days than deal with their parents. I thought I had it with the diet guru racket, god knows I have enough experience with diets both rackets and real. Mine was going to be “Lose 50 pounds in 6 hours by eating brownies and watching HGTV.” I was afraid I’d forget it was mine and call to order. “Um, will it still work if I substitute blondies?”
Then it came to me as if in a vision. Porn. The answer is porn. Is there a more thriving industry in our land? If pornographers made cars there would have been no bankruptcies and bailouts. No “Cash for your Spouse” programs.
I wonder how much those young people charge? And I avoid gender quite deliberately. I realize one needs to specialize to hold a market. “Après le Softball Game” Very gauzy. “Après the Car Repair” Very clear light and shadow. “Bisexuals in Chocolate Syrup” Shot on a white sofa so people who feel they have to act as if they don’t like porn can pretend they’re at a suspense or horror movie.
Maybe I should try to revive heterosexuals. Let’s face it; no one has watched straight porn since the early seventies. It’s like watching your parents. (In a single sentence I have killed an industry.)
And all of you going “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew” and “how could he?” You are going to be my best marketers. Express your disgust vehemently to your friends, colleagues, co-congregants, strangers. Most of them will nod their heads gravely while surreptitiously checking to make sure they haven’t lost the URL.
My new slogan:
http://seemehearmetouchme.blogspot.com/ The blog that buys chocolate syrup in bulk.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
There are already 4.2 million porn websites. Every second, 28,258 Internet users are viewing porn. Every second, US$3,075.64 is spent on porn. Every second, 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines
ReplyDeleteEvery 39 minutes, a new pornographic video is being created in the United States. 25% of total search engine requests are porn-related. (Top three searches: sex, mp3 and hotmail.) 8% of total emails are porn-related. Average daily pornographic emails are 4.5 per internet user.
12% of total websites are pornographic.
Worldwide porn revenue is more than US$97.06 billion, according to Internet pornography statistics, Internet Filter Review (2006).
Australia contributes $2 billion to worldwide porn revenues, and is in the top five porn profit generating countries.
Of course these statistics are a couple of years old....
Good business. Big fan.
The down side:
100,000 websites offer illegal child pornography. Child pornography generates $3 billion annually. 90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed porn online (most while doing homework). Average age of first internet exposure to pornography is 11 years old. Largest consumer of internet pornography 12-17 age group. 20% of men admit accessing pornography at work. 13% of women admit accessing pornography at work. 10% of adults admit having internet sexual addiction.
I'm not sure that I buy that all the downside is down. The viewship issue isn't a production problem. Underage kids drink illegally, smoke tobacco illegally, smoke weed illegally ... and I'm not one of those blame the parents crusaders. Kids do shit. It would be unnatural if they didn't. This isn't a print age. The 12 year old and his Pentouse is probably a thing of the past. Boys aren't going to hide monitors under their mattresses, but it's the same perfectly reasonable impulse of curiousity and inchoate lust that motivates them. Sure that curiousity should be surreptious and dirty, otherwise shrinks would have no one to see but anorexics.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, and without a trace of irony, I do believe that anyone who creates, abets or even views child pornography should be put to death by stoning in a public square. There is NOT a continuun, there is an absolute line.
Driving traffic is a bitch. I set up a separate fan page on Facebook for mine (http://notthebossofme.com).
ReplyDeleteAnd then there's just the constant emailing of friends. Constant.
I try to not take it personally when I find out friends have not yet read anything, well over 50 posts later.
I haven't written in over a month, partly due to disappointment that I hadn't reached 1,000,000 readers. Or maybe even 100.
Porn, however. That is something I have actually considered - if I could get the financial backing. Believe it or not, I even put together a business plan for it.
Until then, the unemployment checks keep rolling in.