Porn is the Answer

After only a week I have developed the overweening obsession that plagues many bloggers, even those with more experience and skill than me. We have one fixation that that disturbs our sleep in the darkest hours of the night. Let others worry about war and peace, global warming, social justice, Eunice Shriver’s health, we can only ask, “How do I drive more traffic to my blog?”

This frantic concern is a matter of both ego and economics. Posting a blog to the internet is not exactly locking one’s diary. And most bloggers hew to Dr. Johnson’s dictum, “"No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money." We are, regrettably, not allowed to say how we might get money from our blogs, but it is possible.

How to drive traffic? I have considered prose of the kittens in daisies and sunlight variety. I have considered making videos of kids doing the darndest things, but kids evidently can’t sign consent forms and I would rather eat dirt for the rest of my days than deal with their parents. I thought I had it with the diet guru racket, god knows I have enough experience with diets both rackets and real. Mine was going to be “Lose 50 pounds in 6 hours by eating brownies and watching HGTV.” I was afraid I’d forget it was mine and call to order. “Um, will it still work if I substitute blondies?”

Then it came to me as if in a vision. Porn. The answer is porn. Is there a more thriving industry in our land? If pornographers made cars there would have been no bankruptcies and bailouts. No “Cash for your Spouse” programs.

I wonder how much those young people charge? And I avoid gender quite deliberately. I realize one needs to specialize to hold a market. “Après le Softball Game” Very gauzy. “Après the Car Repair” Very clear light and shadow. “Bisexuals in Chocolate Syrup” Shot on a white sofa so people who feel they have to act as if they don’t like porn can pretend they’re at a suspense or horror movie.

Maybe I should try to revive heterosexuals. Let’s face it; no one has watched straight porn since the early seventies. It’s like watching your parents. (In a single sentence I have killed an industry.)

And all of you going “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew” and “how could he?” You are going to be my best marketers. Express your disgust vehemently to your friends, colleagues, co-congregants, strangers. Most of them will nod their heads gravely while surreptitiously checking to make sure they haven’t lost the URL.

My new slogan:
http://seemehearmetouchme.blogspot.com/ The blog that buys chocolate syrup in bulk.